I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
