I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
