some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
