Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
