Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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