omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
bring money and cleavage
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
