John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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