I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
