If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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