I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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