Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
