I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
