i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
