I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
