You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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