you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
