those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
