ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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