i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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