I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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