I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
