i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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