I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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