i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
