We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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