Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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