you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
