Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
