Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
