She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
