I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
