I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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