So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
