First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I need moral support for this bender
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
