I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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