I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
