I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
