If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
