In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Two words: blizzard sex
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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