tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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