been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
