I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
