I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
