I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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