So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
