I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
