help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
and i looked up. we had an audience...
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
