gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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