Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
