he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
